Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
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My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.