[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please