How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
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hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.