lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!


me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden


surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here


[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner


if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends


does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink


me: alright, i admit it, i’ve never had sex! turn off the lie detector!

doctor: *removing blood pressure cuff* none of that is what’s happening here


the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations


[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress


dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up