Funny Tweeter

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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can't move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they'll eat the sun

@TheHyyyype: mom: *holding up baggie she found in my room* what the hell is this?

me: uhh that's called marijuana

mom: i know what it is, i mean why do you have it

me: to get high, jesus christ mom you said you knew what it was

@TheHyyyype: jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i'll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

@TheHyyyype: gf: remember, my dad's really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend's parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you're really into sports

her dad: that's right

me: why

@TheHyyyype: me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you're wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren't you

me: look i didn't go to medical school like you did ok

@TheHyyyype: back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

@TheHyyyype: the guy who invented constellations was like "see those 4 stars? that's a bear" and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

@TheHyyyype: me: hey there delilah what's it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you're so pretty

@TheHyyyype: grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

@TheHyyyype: [cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you're about to get a ticket