lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
me: alright, i admit it, i’ve never had sex! turn off the lie detector!
doctor: *removing blood pressure cuff* none of that is what’s happening here
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up