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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus

@TheHyyyype: the guy who invented constellations was like "see those 4 stars? that's a bear" and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

@TheHyyyype: me: hey there delilah what's it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you're so pretty

@TheHyyyype: grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

@TheHyyyype: [cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you're about to get a ticket

@TheHyyyype: rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that's when you'll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@TheHyyyype: friend: how'd you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@TheHyyyype: [first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there's a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

@TheHyyyype: [reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there'll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you're not gonna believe this

@TheHyyyype: [on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he's got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don't impwessa me much