Funny Tweeter

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Page of TheHyyyype's best tweets

@TheHyyyype : rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that's when you'll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@TheHyyyype: friend: how'd you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@TheHyyyype: [first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there's a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

@TheHyyyype: [reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there'll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you're not gonna believe this

@TheHyyyype: [on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he's got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don't impwessa me much

@TheHyyyype: me: what aisle are your dinner cereals in?

supermarket clerk: please leave

@TheHyyyype: anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it's like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@TheHyyyype: astronaut: we made it. we're finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@TheHyyyype: card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

@TheHyyyype: website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother's maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo