mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.