My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?