My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé