Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.