Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
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“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It