a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo