My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?