Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me