[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.