Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
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*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent