I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
This sounds bad:
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.