3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er