Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
You Might Also Like
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
technically true but not a great slogan