The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
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*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
January has been Januweary
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Morning.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
What?!?
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.