Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click