why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
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OKAY DAD
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved