Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
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Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.