Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
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Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time