“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
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It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !