@TheNYAMProject

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

@TheNYAMProject

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

@TheNYAMProject

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

@TheNYAMProject

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

@TheNYAMProject

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

@TheNYAMProject

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

@TheNYAMProject

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

@TheNYAMProject

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.