Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Oceanography is all about current events
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time