Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
yea so i messed up lol
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.