Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that