Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The two types of wives
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
How actors in movies eat their food
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine