Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheOnion's best tweets

@TheOnion : Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

@TheOnion: Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@TheOnion: Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

@TheOnion: Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

@TheOnion: Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

@TheOnion: Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

@TheOnion: New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

@TheOnion: ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@TheOnion: ‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

@TheOnion: To see more unmatched reporting, visit