Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining