A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Finally a use for spoilers…
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Warm pools make me nervous.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Why I divorced her.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway