My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!