There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥