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Page of TheQuietPsycho's best tweets

@TheQuietPsycho : Meanwhile, in a parallel world...a banana slowly and seductively peels and eats a human, while locking eyes with another banana...

@TheQuietPsycho: Find a person who wants to do everything w you...

...and fix them up w someone else. You don't need someone that exhausting in your life

@TheQuietPsycho: When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can't even make this up

@TheQuietPsycho: That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn't yours.

@TheQuietPsycho: *getting married

Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I'm out

@TheQuietPsycho: CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it's the spirit of a loved one. I think that's my mom
Me: that's nice. Your mom just shit on that guy

@TheQuietPsycho: Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept "tradition" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk.

@TheQuietPsycho: I'm "the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal" years old

@TheQuietPsycho: I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore