alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
You Might Also Like
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
A new level of troll.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season