Meanwhile, in a parallel world…a banana slowly and seductively peels and eats a human, while locking eyes with another banana…
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk
I can’t even make this up
That moment where you playfully punch a kid in the grocery store, and only afterwards realize it wasn’t yours.
Priest: will you love & honor her?
Me: I will
Her: [whispers to priest]
Priest: and leave your phone unlocked?
Me: I’m out
CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy
Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.
I’m “the VCR was heavy enough to bludgeon a large farm animal” years old
I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore