No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
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I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Word!
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher