My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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I am patiently waiting for your email
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}