What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m aging like a fine banana
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Broom by every window for quick escape.