@TheRealPalMal : I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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@TheRealPalMal: I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
@TheRealPalMal: [Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
@TheRealPalMal: Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
@TheRealPalMal: "Milk does a body good" I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
@TheRealPalMal: [Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D'oh.
@TheRealPalMal: Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
@TheRealPalMal: How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
@TheRealPalMal: [Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: ...
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
@TheRealPalMal: Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.