@TheRealPalMal
Nails can’t be screwed but screwdrivers can get you hammered.
@TheRealPalMal
@TheRealPalMal
Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees.
@TheRealPalMal
Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.
Me, not hearing what you said: What?
Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.
Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*
@TheRealPalMal
Friend: You need any help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
@TheRealPalMal
Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.
@TheRealPalMal
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
@TheRealPalMal
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
@TheRealPalMal
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
@TheRealPalMal
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
@TheRealPalMal
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.