@TheRealPalMal

Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees.

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, not hearing what you said: What?

Friend: My sister got in a car wreck.

Me, still not hearing but trying to be polite so my friend doesn’t have to repeat a third time: Oh that’s nice! *nods head*

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: You need any help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

@TheRealPalMal

Shoutout to my 6th grade track coach who said, “This is the meet to beat” and had no idea why I couldn’t stop laughing.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

@TheRealPalMal

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

@TheRealPalMal

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.