Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheRealPalMal's best tweets

@TheRealPalMal : I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

@TheRealPalMal: I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

@TheRealPalMal: [Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

@TheRealPalMal: "Milk does a body good" I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

@TheRealPalMal: [Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D'oh.

@TheRealPalMal: Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

@TheRealPalMal: How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?

@TheRealPalMal: [Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: ...

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

@TheRealPalMal: Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.