GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
You Might Also Like
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.