Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
the three branches of government
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow