“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.
I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.
I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That’s 41 miles per gallon…which is not bad.