@TheReal_AndyMac

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@TheReal_AndyMac

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

@TheReal_AndyMac

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@TheReal_AndyMac

One time I asked, “What would Jesus do?”. That’s the same day I almost drowned.

@TheReal_AndyMac

I was in a 3rd grade talent show and told a few jokes. I quickly got escorted off the stage because I’m 30 and should be at work.

@TheReal_AndyMac

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That’s 41 miles per gallon…which is not bad.