ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
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You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The cashier just checked me out.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.