My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!