Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I wish this was real life…
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.