@TheRolo

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

@TheRolo

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@TheRolo

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

@TheRolo

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

@TheRolo

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@TheRolo

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

@TheRolo

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?