Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
#polloftheday
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
this has done me in for some reason
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it