Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.