You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
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People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
She puts the hot in psychotic
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”