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cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.