My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
You Might Also Like
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Friday
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much