*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
this is how life feels
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am